I raised you up for this very purpose ...

For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion" It does not, therefore depend on man's desire or effort but on od's mercy. For the Scripture says ... "I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy ... "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' Does the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath--prepared for destruction? What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory--even us, whom he also called ...

- Romans 9:16-24

This is the answer to my question why? Why me? In fact I should have been past this vain questioning why me. I should be doing my part now, to fulfill His purpose for me. I need to continually remind myself, as Dr. Scott Rains has bluntly told us in the Spirit: "You are not that good." Indeed it's by the mercies of God that I am where I am, indeed this is unfathomable for my thoughts. But I need to face that, walk past that and do some action. God thank you for raising me up for deep holes of shame and self-pity. Lord as Moses prayed you, Lord show me thy glory. You shall not share your glory with another for Yours is the glory alone. You are my God, I will walk in this truth in confidence!