This week, the dad of one of my wife's best friend died. My wife and I are close to this family. It's always sad to see someone pass away, and the thought of how much grief and pain this causes the deceased's loved ones. A lot of thoughts going through my mind about the topic of death.
I am reminded how short life is. If the Bible has set the average life span of a person is more or less around 80 years old. Then almost 40% of my life is already spent and I have 60% life ahead. It's still much time to create memories with the people you love. I thought to myself how God is so good in the past, especially the last 10 years of my life. I can't wrap my mind around the idea of how much more can God surprise me in the next decades of my life.
Now there's a thought in my mind that I have to make the most of the moments of my life. I've been thinking about what should my next 10 years be spent on. I'm glad that I was able to process myself turning 30 (you can read about this in the previous entries). Some of the ideas that are playing around my head ... taking another course like business administration or education ... starting up a business ... get more learning. I also thought about family. Most probably around this next 10 years God would already have sent us an angel. Something I have been silent about. But just as Mary and Joseph, I just keep these desire in my heart. God knows my heart. He knows what is best for us.
Thinking about the brevity of life I think about the need to always create memories. Make life meaningful. Collectively meaningful to you and the people you love.
I thought about my parents. They are in their mid-50s now. How much longer would I be able to spend time with them. I have to be careful about concluding to myself that certain seasons have passed. When I was a kid, I loved my parents. At youth, we look for other sources of love and acceptance. But it's amazing how our parents love us nonetheless. As a young adult this love makes a full circle, we are drawn back to our parent's love. There is an awareness to make up for lost time. Then you get married, and now your heart shifts to your wife. And I think it's the seasons of life. My point is, when you still have the time to love them tangibly, do not hesitate to do it. Because there will come a time when priorities will change.
I am always tempted to be fatalistic. To dwell on the thought when I and the people I love will be gone. I have a post here of the intro montage of the Disney movie Up, always makes me cry. I think it's the melancholy in me that always thinks about the finish line. It's funny that I look at life in chunks. That definitely makes life really short. Five decades can easily be counted in one hand, but five decades times 10 years times 365 days will be a long time coming. I have to constantly remind myself, just as the saying goes, live for the moment. Cheer up. And don't be too serious all the time (Patrick are you listening?) Take time to be silly. Take time to get to know people and make friends. I am reminded by the words of Jesus himself, "Who would by worrying gain a single day in his life?"
In the last few weeks I've been struggling about something. I am seeing a clash of myself and my calling. Most people know me as a minister. But I have to look at myself when I am not in front of the crowd. How am I nurturing my natural relationships with family and friends? This is something I am baffled about myself. When in public, I can be sincerely charismatic and all, but in private, I retreat to my inner self. I become shy, quiet and seemed unconcerned. I am especially more conscious of this now that I am usually away from my church (unlike before when I have time and opportunity to nurture relationships in church). This morning this thought was magnified when the sermon was about loving one another. This is something that I miss being constantly connected to one church. I thought I need to improve this aspect of my life. Not that I am not loving person, I think I am and a few close friends would say so, but I feel I need to improve in initiating and expressing in tangible ways this love in the other people. Sorry if this might have shocked you. Yes, I'm not perfect. I'm also a work in progress.
This makes me think about my own passing. What would the people say about me? Did I make an impact in someone else's life. Of course, the most important think is what God thinks about how I spent my life. But nevertheless, it matters to me how my life have become a blessing to another.
It's time to sign-off for the day. If you got to read until this portion congratulations for staying with me, despite these sporadic and scattered thoughts. May you have a wonderful week ahead.