Patrick Tan

Today. I came home from our school retreat. This was the first time I joined the retreat. I was too shy to come last semester. Two days in San Mateo, Rizal. Before this I hesitate to come because I really don't have a group that I can fit into. Though I knew some people, it wouldn't be enough to meet my neediness for attention. So I signed up in a room with the international students. Our room was little Asia.. 3 Burmese, 1 Chinese, 1 Cambodian, 1 Thai and 2 Filipino guys in one room.

The worship sessions are great. They had an acoustic worship going on. Dr. T and Dr. Q, our academic dean and president delivered the word on prophecy. The sessions were held on a second-floor conference hall made of wood. When the students jammed during worship time, the floor would literally shake, I thought it was scary, though I did some jumping myself.

I came to the retreat with questions and burdens I want to give to Him, hoping that He would receive it. And He did. Praise God! He's mercies are new every morning. Though a few questions I am still waiting for an answer. "Lord, should I quit my job?" Lord, when will I meet my partner?"... I tried my best to offer myself to Him, but several thoughts bug my mind. In the end, I forced myself to yield myself to Him. It was hard but necessary. It's breaking a hard rock. I hardly feel anything. I had to rely on His Word. His Word leading an emotionally blind man, I had to listen attentively. I was hoping that someone would share His Word for me. But I received none. I struggled to find an explanation for all of this... Maybe His disciplining me, because I'm not a baby anymore. I'm a grown up man.

Students. I met some good people. Nevertheless, I still feel alienated. Somehow, I thought everyone belongs to some group. Good thing Rey and Emmanuel was there. I also loved this Chinese guy named Clark, since we had something in common, me being a hilaw na Chinese, there was an instant connection. I would try hard to speak Mandarin, and he would talk to me, most of the time I wouldn't understand, so then we speak in English. It was great. It's hard to move around when you don't know the people you are with. "Know" meaning "know" enough to be comfortable with. To me, most of them are just people with names. Somehow I have this feeling that they also wanted to communicate with me. Why do I always put up this wall?

In fairness, I joined the Scrabble Tournament. I look so nerdy. Of all the sports tournaments offered by the retreat, I chose to join the Scrabble Tournament because I don't know the sports. I also had some good conversations with some people, about life and music.

No classes the rest of the week. It's good. I can rest and do my work.

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. I want to see you.

Knees to the Earth
Christy Nockels

Wonderful Savior, my heart belongs to Thee
I will remember always the blood You shed for me
Wonderful Savior, my heart will know Your Word
So let me embrace You always as I walk this earth

Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high
Be treasured here, be glorified
I owe my life to You, my Lord
Here I am

Beautiful Jesus, how may I bless Your heart?
Knees to the earth, I bow down to everything You are
Beautiful Jesus, You are my only Word
So I will embrace You always as I walk this earth