Patrick Tan

There had been no classes for two days now. Even though the storm is out, winds and rain frequently POUR down like theres no tomorrow. I've been wanting to go to office today to pick up some funds, but the rain is delaying it. My dad took the car to work, so I have to go there and pick it up, then go back so we could go home together. And as if my mood parallels this weather, I'm feeling really idle right now.. Well, what's new about that? For the past weeks I was lagging on God-time - big time. Ministry works doesn't help. It's like being busy but being empty inside. I think I've reached its toll when last Sunday I preached and I felt so bad inside. Hard to explain. It's one of THOSE days again.

For sometime now I've been thinking of getting some source of "bread." Bills and financial responsibilities on the horizon doesn't help either. It's that feeling again of helplessness, but I think that's the time I get to seriously no qualms depend on God. Independence is an annoying trait of cholerics - "if possible do not rely on anyone, they will just fail your expectations." But I know that He is not like that. I believe sometimes we humans perceive God like He needs to fit to our qualificatioins. He has proven Himself before, why not now? The question is: have I proven myself to Him? That question for me needs a lot of thinking. The answer is instant but the question that lingers is why?

Today, I'm trying to pick up myself. I've been catching up on God-time. But that sense of "I have to make it up to Him" rears it head, as if that itself would erase all the doodles on paper. What does God want? I believe it's our acknowledgement of our nothingness. But sometimes I so want to make it up to Him, so that I could subconsciously "take credit" for yet another personal victory over the flesh. But such things are crap. God just wants me to give it up trying to make righteous by myself which is far from becoming a reality by my own means. But thanks be to God for His Son Jesus Christ! So that I will be seen as a holy God sees me, but so that I will be seen in the light of Jesus Christ His Son. In Him is my confidence. He is my sure foundation. The Light of my life. I am made righteous because of Him. I am NOTHING without Christ.

I admire this person I know who always look at the silver lining of every dark cloud. I think her motto about other people is "there's always something good to appreciate about other people - no matter how unbelievable that person is." Well, she bears with me, that's something :) I'm also trying that now but success often seems to elude me.

If someone is reading this, do remember me in your prayers. Everyone's in the journey.