Patrick Tan

Woke up early today for no reason. This week I've been wrapping up school. Only a few more requirements to complete in my last subject then I'm done. I so wanted to get this semester over and done so I could start anew. This series of my young adult life had been crazy, idle and fleeting. Lots of things going on in my mind. Mind warfare, what if's, decisions, plans which accomplishes nothing. For one, I've been thinking of my current status in life. After Missions Week, I got positive feedbacks about my designs for our exhibit. And I thought, God gave me this talent. Why am I suppressing it, by drawing away from it. For sometime now, after I left design as a professional job to seek a more 'godly' pursuit (more like martyr-ical depravation), my pursuit in 'serving' God 'full-time' led me barely a steps away from where I, the person, was. I wanted to prove that I could give up anything 'for God', which I think is an egotistic pursuit on my part. I thought, does my present state a viable witness for Christ? Perhaps, I'm too hard on myself. For now, I'm confused. (Temporarily halted due to confusion)... Was God talking to me then before I jumped aboard? Am I just cowardly backing-out of the circumstances placed in front of me? God please clear my mind. I want to be where you want me to be.

In my mind, I want to do freelance work again, free time, own time, good money. Own time means time for ministry. Good money means resources for ministry.