Melancholy minister's guide to relationship building

Yesterday in our Principles and Methods of Teaching class, after our lecture on the 6 characteristics of an outstanding teacher (according to a survey conducted to the recipients of Metrobank's Outstanding Teacher's award. The six were expertise in subject matter, class management, instruction, diagnositcs, communication, relational), our professor asked which of the six we need to work on more. Surprisingly, more than half of the class (we were around 10) admitted that we have to work on relational expertise. Indeed it's an irony if we observe that as ministers we do a kind of work that has to deal with people at its core, and that most ministers have difficulty in relationship building.

This is my observation as well. I have known great leaders and ministers, who manifest the same thing. I myself am that way so let me speak for myself. After much thought I realized that most teachers and leaders either have a choleric (leader) and melancholy (analyzers, organizers) personality. Most of us are also introverts and thinkers. Cholerics talk for business (as oppose to sanguines who talk for pleasure). Melancholies on the other hand, value deep friendships requiring much time to build, so they have few but deep friendships. With these in mind, we will understand why we experience this "difficulty" in relationship building. We don't really have a difficulty in building relationships, we just don't have enough time (as melancholies) to spend time with each person so to build relationship with them. To say it correctly, we build relationships slowly because we invest time and trust in it. We think momentary interactions with people lack validity to invest time and effort to build relationship, so we think it is no use to do it. But we need to understand, in a ministry career that always deal with people, in both short term and long term, we need to understand that every moment counts and by putting our heart in what we do, we create a positive experience for the other person. This is not a natural trait for us, and should be an intentional habit to develop. By understanding how God created us to be, we can use our strengths for the benefit of the group or organization.

Consider these action steps:

1. Seize short-term interactions as opportunities for positive experiences - Since taking initiative in relationship building is not a natural trait for melancholies, be purposeful and intentional with it. Discipline yourself to do it as a minister. Do not see it as already a failed mission (to build relationship at a short amount of time), but an opportunity to create a positive experience (one principle in "The Starbucks Experience") for the person, and also as an investment for the possibility of future interactions with the person.
   
   
2. Choose deep friendships wisely and continually cultivate and enrich them - Since we value deep friendships, choose the friends where you will invest much time and trust wisely. This does not mean to be exclusive, but see these as long-term investments for you and the other person. It is said we become the people we spend much time with.
   
   
3. Tap on innate compassion to touch other people - According to studies, melancholies are compassionate people. They are the first to cry at an mushy advertisement. Because their awareness of the emotional, they can easily relate and empathize with the suffering and the hurting. We must tap in this strength. We must also understand, that at the other extreme of this is our innate weakness to over-focus on ourselves when we go through problems. So again keeping ourselves off that weakness is an intentional discipline.