Patrick Tan

I'm at the library right now. One of my hiding places. Doing some work. Blogging. I made it to my research class today. But I think they started earlier than 1PM so when I arrived they are already discussing lesson. We were dismissed early. It was great.

After which I went to the music department to reserve the band room. One of the chapel bands which I am a part of wants to jam tomorrow after chapel service. Not knowing how to register, I approached a kind-hearted guy from the staff band (didn't get his name though, he's the keyboardist). He directed me to another lady at the office. She was not too happy to see me I think. I'm good at subtle hints of irritation. It bothers me now, why she was like that. She directed me to another lady which assisted me.

Now I think I shouldn't have taken the leadership role in my band. Since I'm not from the music course. Because I think being skilled is one thing, but being able to be in harmony with the music community at school was another thing to be accepted. Well, that's not what I see right now. Since my audition, I should have been familiar music people. But when I meet them in school, as if I feel I have the obligation to say hi to them to be friendly, but instead, I have a blank and serious countenance that is typically me. I'm worried they would think I am suplado and unfriendly. I do not understand myself.

Last week I felt the frustration of my bandmates, me not wanting to step up into leading the group into progress. I have this thinking of not being to firm (or in other words bossy and pushy) in leading the group because it was not my turf in terms of my course.

I am thinking of quitting my band leader role and being absorbed by other bands...

Talk about serious sick paranoia...