Patrick Tan

Today had Carecell at 4:30. I was worried I'd come late because of the traffic in north harbor. But somehow I manage to come 15 minutes early. And to my surprise nobody's in except Justine. I felt really bad. Where had all the youth gone? (After 15 minutes or more... they started to come in though. But usually they are already in when I come.)

Then I began to question my way of leadership, again. Since the Book of Hope event, I hadn't been able to keep up with the rise of youth population and responsibilities. I haven't been able to monitor the staff regularly because of our different schedules. The ministry is like a very crazy disorganized cluttered room. And I'm used to order, schedules and planning. I have this Superman attitude to save the world, but I can't seem to rally people to 'do what I do,' or do I? Perhaps I just wanted someone to feel my burden. I wanted a twin. Ramblings in my mind...

I'm thinking if my leadership is still working. Somehow think I tend to repel some people away from me. I read something from John Maxwell, about Charisma, one of the 17 leadership qualities. A leader without charisma after talking to a person, makes the person think how good that leader is. A leader with charisma after talking to a person, makes the person feel good about themselves. I think I'm the first one. I lack the 'charisma'. I heard in another preaching and take it as a true statement, that me as a leader should encourage a person to wanna strive to become who God wants him to be, not to lay out all the 'truth' that one would feel he would not measure up to become what God wants him to be. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself. But if this is true with me, I would change my style, but I feel I won't be true to myself. I don't even know how to change it in the first place. You'd never know how much I would like to become beneficial for everyone. But I figured you cannot please everybody.

And what's with everyone not texting me directly if they can't make it to an activity. I guess they are just tired of seeing me get frustrated. I think they think they couldn't measure up. I want mavericks not people who would just say yes to me just because they don't wanna get me disappointed.

Just random thoughts...

Lord, please give me extra grace for the times I fail you, even now... You know me. You know my weaknesses and my potential to become the best I can be. Melt me so You can mold me to become someone You want me to become. I want to be what You want me to be. I know this is the road You want me to take. Lord, I need Your peace and presence.